Peer over the edge, but do not fall.
The last words spoken to them all.
Every single one fell over the ledge,
Bloodfall sprinkled the little hedge.

.

"Let me in", the vixen pleads.
Her black eyes shine like onyx beads.
And with a flick of her tail she wins your heart.
With pointed ears, velvet fur, and a purr, she plays the part.
She licks your hand and pads right in, her tufted rear brushes your shin.
Her onyx gaze looks sweetly around, her little rump plops to the ground.
And with a flick of her tail she wins your heart.
Suddenly she's back up with a start.
Then she pleads: "Let me out!"

.


Eric wished to drink some tea.
So he invited company.
His guests arrived, his water hot.
He sat them down, and poured a pot.
Afternoon passed and evening came,
And the guests would leave all the same.

The fool was stupid. He could not navigate his own mind. Ankle deep in cess, he pressed his wet hand against his forehead and peered out over the vast waste of moisture. With his muddied palm pressed against his furrowed brow, he peered for so long, with such determination, that when he pulled his hand away and relaxed his face, the mud cracked and dropped lightly to the murk in which he stood.
Lifting one of his feet gingerly, he leaned forward to take a step, and collapsed into the swill. Floundering, he sputtered some of the foul liquid in a panic as he noticed wriggling shadows moving all around him.
"Leeches!" His voice echoed, but they were tadpoles. They would metamorphose into frogs, eventually.
The fool did not bother himself with this realization, however. He was on his feet in haste, splashing the water and scattering the tadpoles. His clothes now slopped over his body. He again pressed his hand to his brow, and surveyed the expanse, convinced his appearance of thought would soon yield an answer. Grey drops of water fell from him and danced into the marsh, echoing.

God always brings me a reality check when things get bad. Lately, I had been so desolate and empty feeling. I thought I was broken and unable to relate to people on a personal level. I was looking into going to counseling for my intimacy problems (for lack of a better term.). I felt like I had been spoiled by my last relationship. People were distant, unattainable, undesirable, not worth it. I felt such an overbearing apathy that life seemed pointless
Then I got a break. A small one, sure, but a break nonetheless. It restored that excitement and vigor I had felt previously. The excitement of a new person. this time I understood it might not work, and really took that to heart. And it didn't work out. I cried a little. I'm sad. But I'm happy. I'm grateful that I was given this reality check that I still have emotions, and anything can happen when you least expect it.

No one really thinks of tears as a good thing. Many people shy away from the belief in something where the believer could describe their happiest moments as ones in which they're crying. Crying isn't a sign of sadness so much as it is just a sign of emotion. Raw emotion and cleansing. Tears have been proven to remove toxins, lower stress levels, elevate one's mood, and release emotions. Bottling up and denying weakness is not healthy. Crying is a form of natural release, just like exercising or using the bathroom! People cry due to sadness, yes, but they also cry due to happiness and relief. Sometimes tears of sadness let the floodgates open, and in the clarity and shamelessness of it all, you're able to feel the happiness and humbleness they bring.

When my last relationship ended, I felt stuck. I tried to distract myself from it. I tried not to tear up, because a boy shouldn't make you cry. I felt angry. People told me he wasn't worth crying over. I should be focusing on God and not him. after that, a new idea came to me. Maybe God wanted me to just let it all out, and that was how to get over it. So I played an album we had listened to together, I played the song I heard on the radio when I first knew we had something real, I played all the songs that made me think of him and depressed me. I played them in the car, and I would bawl almost daily. I just listened to them and would cruise and tell myself how I'd been wronged. I kept this to myself, and prayed. It helped a lot. It helped me get over it much faster than I could have otherwise. Tears are good.

No one has to know you're crying. It's between you and God. So let the tears fall. you'll feel better after, I promise.

Eric, you love so incompetently. With two left feet your heart does beat. You're very confused, and it's okay. No one knows what they are doing. I know you're rejecting that statement, but listen, other people pretend they know what they're doing. You fail obviously due to your frankness.
This transparency is not a bad thing.
You went through a period of time, in which, I believe you had your heart broken for the first time. Don't reject that one, either. It sounds cheesy, but you know it's true. You can now relate to a multitude of things you were unable to before. This isn't entirely good, but it's not entirely bad, either.
Anyways, this period of time has also left you stronger. I don't believe you will be putting up with as much junk from people anymore. Now you know to wait. That isn't the most important lesson you took away from it, though. I think your new-found ability to simply hesitate, and understand that something may not happen, and understand that if it's meant to happen, it will, is what is profound. You're second-guessing again. You're telling yourself that this is a conclusion many people have reached, that it isn't special. It IS special. Don't listen to that bullshit voice. It's special because it is a vast discovery in the universe of you. You now feel it, understand it viscerally. It's no longer advice from a friend. You know it, now.
Eric, I love you. You're loveable. It takes a while. But it will happen. The universe will align one day, and set in motion a series of events in which you will begin a journey of knowing someone. You've done it before successfully. Remember that. But this time will be different. You know how.
Relax. There are people in this world who love you right now, and there are people who will love you in the future. God loves you, too. You have more love than you need. It's a gift.
I tell you to keep cool. But you know, you don't have to keep so cool. Don't expect things to work out with this new person. We both know you're fully aware of this having an absolutely equal chance of being nothing, but keep at it anyways. There is no harm in what you're currently doing. Please don't make the mistakes you made last time. I love you and don't want to see you hurt like that again. Keep at it. Be yourself. Don't play a game. Know when to quit (Eric, you know what I'm talking about. Don't date people you're incompatible with, beliefs-wise. Has that ever worked out for you? No. It brought you stress.). I'll be honest, Eric, I have a voice in me telling me you will have to quit this one. But love out of it, anyways. there's another voice saying you won't. so let God take it in his hands. One awesome thing about this life of ours is that he's your co-pilot. If you lose control, he's always going to be there to back you up.

you know what else, Eric? I know your chest is sinking thinking about this not working out. Hah! So early, too. Good job getting rid of that "emotionally dead" bullshit. Anyways, it's okay if it doesn't amount to anything! That's what's so fucking awesome about this. If it doesn't work out, it's because there's something better in store. Literally, Eric, your only job is to keep doing what you're doing (enjoying life), and just wait. Waiting is such an easy task, my friend. All God needs you to do is recognise when it's not the right time, and simply move along.

I love you, Eric. You need to hear that from me more often. I'm sorry I'm your worst critic.

Lately, I question my life and I have to wonder how things would play out if I said goodbye to religion.
Now, I am a Theist, and I always will be. I can't accept the idea that matter came from nothing, and there have been times in my life that I swear to God, he was intervening. But it's the religion that gets to me. I love Jesus, but why did he die for my sins like he did? Why did he have to? Why would God require sacrifices? Why am I held responsible for those sins? Why would God allow an infinite hell for finite sins? Why are victimless things, such as homosexuality, sinful?
It makes sense from a sociological standpoint how religion would benefit people. Creating a religion gets people to do things that you can't get them to do. If you tell them the almighty God says this is the best way to do something, it motivates them more than you telling them, because you are not powerful to them.
One of the biggest factors that causes me to hesitate on changing my ideology is my fear. If I say Jesus is not my savior, I am not a Christian. According to my fellow believers, I am no longer one of them, and am going to burn in hell. That is a special kind of deep rejection. However, it is a necessary one to acknowledge. Why should this fear dictate my faith?
It is an understood concept that the simplest solution is most often the truth. I feel like making this religion make sense requires extra steps and exceptions. I feel like I have to twist my natural inclinations in order to make it work.
I wish I could just pick and choose. But I know I can't, and this brings me a great sense of unrest. It is highly plausible that the bible is untrue and true in some areas. Which are which?
Perhaps I will use the bible as a source for promoting true love. Perhaps I will just have faith in Jesus and say he is the son of God, because he said he was. If I choose this stance, however, it is a personal choice, and I don't really believe I have an obligation (or right) to evangelize it.

Oh, Eric, prince of the mundane. How fanciful one finds one's self! This volatile ride riddles one insufferably insane sometimes. The peaks of peril have proved unworth the lengthy bouts of boredom and banality. Boundless! It truly is. A whisper of inspiration will infiltrate my mind only briefly before fluttering away again.

You were such a waste of time. I feel like a fool for being strung along. but oh well.

There are two pains:
One of what was,
and it's cousin,
what never was.

There is the pain
of fools, who
misunderstand,
and that of the wise,
who understand.

Samuel has recently started college. He thinks he wants to graduate with a degree in digital media design. I think that's perfect for him. We don't get to have quality time often, though we do keep in touch on Facebook. I embarrass him online whenever I can :-).

Sam recently told me Emma is doing fine. She may have failed me, but she did do a good job with him and Peter. I try to put the fact that I was robbed of being there for them aside. It makes me bitter to dwell on. Anyways, Peter is doing well, too. Junior in high school. He's got a girlfriend now apparently– a little Korean girl who is into break dancing. Sounds like fun.

Seeing Sam was truly the highlight for my week, though. We went hiking together. I am proud of his his exuberance, reliving what I once lived. Such a lanky boy, but a healthy kid. Taller than I was at 18. He's got his mother's eyelashes and thick, wavy blonde hair. He's wearing it a bit too long these days. I've been tempted to feel unhappy he resembles her, but he's got my dark and stern eyes, so I will say I've won this round. Kid's got a miserable little excuse for a beard, too, though don't tell him I said that. It's pretty patchy with red spots here and there. If he's anything like me though, he will be a viking in no time.

Sam told me he's never had a girlfriend before. He isn't too happy about it. I tell him it's not a worry, but I think he will ignore his old man's advice like most young men do. He doesn't need to experience the pain of women yet. I don't think he is ready, anyways. He's very idealistic. He needs to combat life on his own for a while, make some mistakes, make some decisions. I have a strong feeling he's going to be a good one though– not make some of the mistakes I have made.

Lumenase 2, the essence of your life.
Shoot up, reboot you and rid you of strife.
No other drug in merely a drop will give
such love, such virile and the will to live.
Mystery as to what wonder's within;
What magic is held in such a small tin.
Tired of sorrows and eager for change,
Drug me and leave me in stupor deranged.