I find myself lonely these days. I always identified as an introvert. 5 years ago I would tell you I hate parties, I don't like meeting new people, and I would prefer to be at home on the weekend. But now it seems to have changed. I often seek the companionship of my acquaintances these days.

I have come to appreciate the value and necessity of my fellow people. How important it is to have community. It has truly improved my depression.

But I still feel lonely. I'm more of an adult than ever. I don't have anybody I love to be an emotional support these days, not like I used to. There is no best friend to vent to. No boy to tell my insecurities to. No parents of mine or my friends to readily get advice from. No girls to dish out the deets to. My daily victories are often enjoyed in the silence of my car, alone.

I end up fanning out my affections for people, giving a little bit here and there. It does feel good, but isn't the same.
I guess I kind of understand why many people are chronically in relationships, now. Once you bond with someone in that way, you always miss it, even if slightly, and never enough to settle. It's a special type of affirmation and happiness.

It's a tough pill to swallow, but having it and then losing it makes living without it all the better for personal growth.

I wish I knew when I started to somehow become more social but more reclusive. I don't share nearly as much with others as I used to. I feel like details of my life are a burden. I used to get excited to tell people all about my day. But then I started to slowly share less, figure: "that's not really necessary..."; Assume that sharing an insecurity is feeding an insecurity; figured I shouldn't annoy people because they often don't care.
Now I wonder if people are supposed to care, and I shouldn't cater to carelessness.

Who knows.

Who are you? I don't understand you at all, Emma.You're gone. You got the kids. Can we leave it at that? I don't want to know anything about your life, so please stop meddling with mine. Stop leaning in my doorway and checking up on my progress with that smile. It throws me off.
Seriously. What the hell do you think I'm going to do? Push out my chair and leap up with a chipper grin to tell you about all the happy shit that's going on in my life? No. you know full well as soon as I turn my head and see your smile, all I can see is your goddamned smile. the same one that used to crack at my jokes and tell me I was everything to you.
Fuck your smile. If you cared about me at all (which you don't, so I suppose this all makes sense), you would just disappear and stay gone, be nothing but a fairytale I hear from the boys.