Some days, I simply don't feel like existing. Please do not mistake my sentiment for suicidal tendencies. I feel that there is a sense of narcissism in suicide. That, and such a desire to be a a pitied victim, that one is willing to sacrifice everything for it. This take is merely my opinion.

But I am not particularly given to drawing attention to myself. I am an old man, and I simply feel. I wish now, to feel less. There is no efficient remedy. So I wait it out. It is a shame at this age I still must play the waiting game. Each minute has grown exponentially more valuable to me as my years increase, and yet the amount owed for the illness of my life remains the same with no compensations made for my benefit.

Life is so unfair. But what worth is fairness when it is distributed among the wicked and undeserving? I wish my feelings would be in sync with my mind. I know that every experience, every individual, every object I come by and may call my "own" on this world is a gift to me, a lucky little speck of chance blown my way, and yet when they are taken from me, I feel denied. I bargain at the air as if it would make a difference. I need to learn to let go of things. I am ashamed and sorry, to admit that one of the defining characteristics of Eric, is that he can't let go. He can't be content with what he is given and relieved of. What is the use of such tenacity?

h

When I was born, my mother said I had a head of hair. She looked at me with my angry purple skin, she said that I was ugly but she loved me even then. She worried that my father wouldn't adore me when he saw, he was working until 8, and I was born at roughly 6.
Sure as dawn he saw me and he gazed down at the floor, he flickered a half smile but that was it, and nothing more. He knew that hints of youth had been extinguished by my birth. He congratulated my mother with a nervous lack of mirth.
1 year and 4 months later is when I was told I'd become the man, because father took his clothes and left us, never to be seen again.
My mother, Eva, died when I was 21.